“A guy from my old unit lost his legs last year. He found an additional use for his prosthetic leg.”

“Mother-in-law complained about the sun being in her eyes. I closed the blinds, turned around and saw this.”

“When you fracture your fingers just right.”

“A few years ago, my niece started kindergarten. She had a few rough days.”

“Going to teach my baby colors!”

“The fitting room doors at the thrift store.”

“I can hardly tell them apart.”

“I feel this loaf should have been marked ’reduced carbs’”

“Behold my webbed toe tattoo!”

“I told my sister if she graduated with honors I would wear a matching dress to her graduation. ”

“Yeah I don’t think he likes the haircut.”

“Safety scissors. Ironic name for something that could cause such trouble.”

“Today my partner learned that you shouldn’t entrust your haircut to your girlfriend who has never even trimmed her own ends.”

“Sister-in-law absolutely nailed it.”

“Delivered a package this morning. Think I nailed it.”

“This is exactly what I needed.”

“Caught my girlfriend doing her makeup this morning.”

“Picked up a fancy cake for my husband on our anniversary.”

“If my eyebrows can survive 2008, I can survive anything.”

“Reference photo vs what I got.”